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Tag Archives: one liners

Lots of Funny and Meaningful Oneliners

01. The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
02. The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
03. The only certain thing in life is death.
04 The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
05. The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
06. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
07. The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
08. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
09. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
10. The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
11. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
12. The revolution will not be televised.
13. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
14 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
15. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
16. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
17. The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
18. The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
19. The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
20. The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
21. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
22. The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
23. There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
24 There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
25. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
26. There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
27. There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
28. There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
29. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
30. There is no time like the pleasant.
31. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
32. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
33. They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.
34 They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
35. Think much, Speak little, Write less.
36. This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
37. This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
38. This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
39. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
40. Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
41. To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
42. To err is human, to arr is pirate.
43. To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
44. To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
45. To err is hunam.
46. To generalize is to be an idiot.
47. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
48. Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
49. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
50. Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
51. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
52. Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
53. Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
54. Too much of everything is just enough.
55. Tracers work both ways.
56. Trying is failing with honors.
57. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
58. Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about it’s friends.
59. Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
60. Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
61. Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
62. Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
63. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
64. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
65. Wasting time is an important part of living.
66. We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
67. We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
68. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
69. Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
70. Welcome what you can’t avoid.
71. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
72. What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
73. What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
74. Whatever happens, ignore it all.
75. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
76. When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
77. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
78. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
79. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
80. When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
81. When in doubt empty the magazine.
82. When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
83. When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
84. When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
85. When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
86. When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
87. When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
88. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
89. When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
90. When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
91. Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
92. While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
93. Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
94. Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
95. Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
96. Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
97. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
98. Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
99. With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
100. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

One more 100 Funny and Meaningful Oneliners

01. I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
02. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
03. I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.
04. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
05. I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
06. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
07. I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
08. I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
09. I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
10. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
11. If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
12. If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
13. If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
14. If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
15. If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
16. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
17. If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
18. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
20. If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
21. If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
22. If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
23. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
24. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25. If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
26. If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
27. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
28. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
29. If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
30. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
31. If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
32. If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
33. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
34. If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
35. “If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later.” — Dave Dunseath
36. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
37. If it can go wrong it probably already has.
38. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
39. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
40. If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
41. If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
42. If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
43. If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
44. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
45. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
46. If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the ~censored~ are.
47. If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
48. If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
49. If you are going through hell, keep going.
50. If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
51. If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
52. If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
53. If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
54. If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
55. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
56. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
57. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
58. If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
59. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
60. If you lend someone $0 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
61. If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
62. If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
63. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
64. If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
65. If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
66. If you’re happy, you’re successful.
67. If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
68. Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
69. In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
70. In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
71. “In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them.” — Johann von Neumann
72. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” — Charles, Count Talleyrand
73. In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
74. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
75. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
76. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
77. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
78. It’s better to be a well-known drunk that to be an anonymous alcoholic.
79. It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
80. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
81. It’s like deja vu all over again.
82. It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
83. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
84. It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
85. It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
86. I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
87. Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
88. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
89. Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
90. Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
91. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
92. Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
93. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
94. Life exists for no known purpose.
95. Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
96. Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.
97. Life’s a ~censored~, and then you’re reincarnated.
98. Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
99. Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
100. Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

100 more Funny and Meaningful Oneliners

01. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
02. Don’t believe everything you think.
03. Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
04. Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
05. Don’t let yesterday take up to much of today.
06. Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
07. Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
08. Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
09. Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
10. Drive defensively – buy a tank.
11 . Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
12. Dyslexics have more fnu.
13. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
14. Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
15. Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
16. Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
17. Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
18. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
19. Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
20. Elevators smell different to midgets.
21 . Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
22. Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
23. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
24. Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
25. Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
26. Every solution breeds new problems.
27. “Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit.” — Mike Tyson
28. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
29. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
30. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
31 .Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
32. Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
33. Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
34. Examine what is said, not who speaks.
35. Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
36. Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
37. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
38. Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
39. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
40. Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
41. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
42. Failure teaches success.
43. Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
44. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
45. First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
46. For a good time, call (4 5) 642-9483.
47. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
48. For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
49. For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
50. Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
51 . Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.
52. Friendly fire – isn’t.
53. Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
54. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
55. Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
56. Frog blast the vent core!
57. Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in kansas anymore.
58. Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
59. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
60. Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
61 . God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
62. God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
63. God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
64. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
65. “Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds.” — Albert Einstein
66. Half the people you know are below average.
67. Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
68. Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
69. Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
70. Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
71 . Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
72. Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
73. Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
74. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
75. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
76. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
77. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
78. I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
79. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
80. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
81 . I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
82. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
83. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
84. I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
85. I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a ~censored~!
86. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
87. I doubt, therefore I might be.
88. I drink to make other people interesting.
89. I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
90. “I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?” — Tom Clancy
91 . I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
92. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
93. I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
94. I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
95. I only drink to make other people more sociable.
96. I prefer old age to the alternative.
97. I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
98. “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.” — Peter Kaye
99. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
100. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.