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Tag Archives: Office Jokes

accomplished cook

A newly married society girl was determined to prove to her husband what an accomplished cook she was, and on the servant’s day off, set about cooking a chicken for his dinner. She plucked the fowl carefully, arranged it neatly in a dish, and put it in the oven.
Two hours later she heard a loud banging on the oven door. Investigation proved that the disturbance was being made by the chicken. ‘Lady,’ it cried piteously, ‘either give me back my feathers or turn on the oven. I’m freezing to death in this oven.’

omg..you have to read this?

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’

The Case of the Artic Explorer

Sir James Harvey, aged bachelor and famed explorer of the North Pole, was found murdered in his bedroom.
The $400,000 in thousand dollar bills, which he was known to keep in his wall safe, was missing.
The police concluded that the criminal or criminals had concealed the money in the house, perhaps in something brought along for the purpose, expecting to recover it later.
This surmise was founded upon Sir James’s eccentric precautions. A visitor might gain admission to his estate unchallenged. But no one, including the servants, could leave without being challenged by a series of private guards.
On the day Sir James’s possessions were put on auction, Dr. Haledjian joined Sheriff Monahan in the explorer’s museum.
“The sale starts in here,” said the sheriff. “But every stick in the house will be sold today or tomorrow.”
An auctioneer had begun to enumerate for the crowd of buyers the museum’s objects, describing them as Sir James’s favorite mementos of his five trips to the Arctic.
The objects included a group of stuffed animals – two polar bears and a penguin – three stuffed fish, and an assortment of Eskimo clothing, utensils, and weapons.
“The murderer has to be in the house,” said the sheriff. “But my men can’t watch all the rooms.”
“Rest at ease,” said Haledjian. “He or an accomplice is in this room, ready to make a purchase.”
How did Haledjian know?

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The penguin is from the antarctic, not the arctic. So the Sir wouldn’t have a penguin if all his trips were only to the arctic. Therefore the crooks would have had to bring in the penguin and used ot to hide the money.