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Why I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you
get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’

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18 Ways to Deal With Stress

1. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
2. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
3. Dance naked in front of your pets.
4. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

5. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
6. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
7. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
9. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
10. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
11. Polish your car with earwax.
12. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
13. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
14. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
15. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
16. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in he wrapper.
17. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
18. Do your assignments in binary code.

Deep Thoughts About Drinking

1. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”-by Jack Handy

2. I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.-Frank Sinatra

3. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.-Ernest Hemingway

1. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”-by Jack Handy

2. I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.-Frank Sinatra

3. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.-Ernest Hemingway

4. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny Youngman

5. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? –Stephen Wright

6. When we drink, we get buzzed. When we get buzzed, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven! –Brian O’Rourke

7. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.-Benjamin Franklin

8. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.-Dave Barry

9. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

10. Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.

11. To some it’s a six-pack; to me it’s a Support Group