Don't Miss

Inspirational Office Slogans for the New Millennium

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

Two days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don’t succeed – try management.

It’s only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you’re not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork – words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.

Inventive Excuses for Missing Work

1. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).
I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping
my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

2. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Safeway.

3. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Broncos, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could
I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

4. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

5. My stigmata is acting up.

6. I can’t come in to work today because I will be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

7. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.

8. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

9. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

10. I prefer to remain an enigma.

11. My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

12. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

13. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

14. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

15. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

16. I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead!

Best Excuses if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter – not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the liquid paper.

I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I’m in the management training program. I’m actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken.

Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.