01. I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
02. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
03. I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.
04. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
05. I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
06. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
07. I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
08. I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
09. I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
10. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
11. If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
12. If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
13. If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
14. If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
15. If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
16. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
17. If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
18. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
20. If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
21. If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
22. If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
23. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
24. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25. If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
26. If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
27. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
28. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
29. If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
30. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
31. If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
32. If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
33. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
34. If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
35. “If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later.” — Dave Dunseath
36. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
37. If it can go wrong it probably already has.
38. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
39. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
40. If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
41. If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
42. If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
43. If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
44. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
45. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
46. If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the ~censored~ are.
47. If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
48. If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
49. If you are going through hell, keep going.
50. If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
51. If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
52. If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
53. If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
54. If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
55. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
56. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
57. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
58. If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
59. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
60. If you lend someone $0 and never see that person again, it was probably
61. If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
62. If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
63. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
64. If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
65. If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
66. If you’re happy, you’re successful.
67. If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
68. Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
69. In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
70. In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
71. “In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them.” — Johann von Neumann
72. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” — Charles, Count Talleyrand
73. In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
74. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
75. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
76. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
77. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
78. It’s better to be a well-known drunk that to be an anonymous alcoholic.
79. It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
80. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
81. It’s like deja vu all over again.
82. It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
83. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
84. It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
85. It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
86. I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
87. Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
88. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
89. Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
90. Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
91. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
92. Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
93. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
94. Life exists for no known purpose.
95. Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
96. Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.
97. Life’s a ~censored~, and then you’re reincarnated.
98. Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
99. Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
100. Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
One more 100 Funny and Meaningful Oneliners
01. I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.