01. Logic is in the eye of the logician.
02. “Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities.” — Lord Dunsany
03. Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
04. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
05. Lunix… Because i’m better than you.
06. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
07. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
08. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
09. Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
10. Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
11. Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
12. Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
13. Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
14. Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
16. Monday is the root of all evil.
17. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
18. Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
19. Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
20. Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
21. Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
22. Never buy a car you can’t push.
23. Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
24. Never eat yellow snow.
25. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
26. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
27. Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
28. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
29. Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
30. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
31. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
32. Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
33. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
34. “Never waste a lie when the truth will do.” — Jack Clancy
35. Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
36. No good deed goes unpunished.
37. No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
38. No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
39. No-one suspects the butterfly!
40. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
41. Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
42. Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
43. Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
44. Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
45. Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
46. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
47. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
48. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
49. Only dead fish go with the flow.
50. Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
51. Only users lose drugs.
52. Optimist: Someone without much experience.
53. People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
54. People will believe any lie, either becaue they want it to be true or they are afraid it’s true.
55. Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
56. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
57. Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.
58. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
59. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
60. Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
61. Rehab is for quitters.
62. Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
63. “Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.” — Joss Whedon
64. Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
65. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
66. Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
67. Send lawyers, guns and money!
68. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
69. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
70. Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
71. Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
72. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
73. Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.
74. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
75. Software is just like sex. One mistake and you end up giving lifetime support.
76. Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
77. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
78. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
79. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
80. Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
81. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
82. Spelling is a lossed art.
83. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
84. “Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting.” — Heinlein
85. Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
86. Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!
87. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
88. Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
89. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
90. Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
91. The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
92. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
93. The best things in life aren’t things.
94. The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
95. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
96. The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
97. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
98. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
99. The future will be better tomorrow.
100. The Killer Ducks are coming!
Even more Funny and Meaningful oneliners
01. Logic is in the eye of the logician.