01. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
02. Don’t believe everything you think.
03. Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
04. Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
05. Don’t let yesterday take up to much of today.
06. Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
07. Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
08. Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
09. Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
10. Drive defensively – buy a tank.
11 . Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
12. Dyslexics have more fnu.
13. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
14. Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
15. Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
16. Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
17. Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
18. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
19. Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
20. Elevators smell different to midgets.
21 . Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
22. Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
23. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
24. Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
25. Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
26. Every solution breeds new problems.
27. “Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit.” — Mike Tyson
28. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
29. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
30. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
31 .Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
32. Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
33. Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
34. Examine what is said, not who speaks.
35. Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
36. Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
37. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
38. Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
39. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
40. Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
41. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
42. Failure teaches success.
43. Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
44. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
45. First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
46. For a good time, call (4 5) 642-9483.
47. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
48. For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
49. For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
50. Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
51 . Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.
52. Friendly fire – isn’t.
53. Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
54. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
55. Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
56. Frog blast the vent core!
57. Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in kansas anymore.
58. Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
59. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
60. Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
61 . God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
62. God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
63. God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
64. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
65. “Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds.” — Albert Einstein
66. Half the people you know are below average.
67. Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
68. Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
69. Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
70. Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
71 . Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
72. Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
73. Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
74. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
75. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
76. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
77. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
78. I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
79. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
80. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
81 . I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
82. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
83. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
84. I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
85. I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a ~censored~!
86. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
87. I doubt, therefore I might be.
88. I drink to make other people interesting.
89. I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
90. “I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?” — Tom Clancy
91 . I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
92. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
93. I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
94. I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
95. I only drink to make other people more sociable.
96. I prefer old age to the alternative.
97. I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
98. “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.” — Peter Kaye
99. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
100. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
100 more Funny and Meaningful Oneliners
01. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.