1. 43% of all statistics are worthless.
2. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
3. 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
4. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
5. A bad plan is better than no plan.
6. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
9. A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
10. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
11. A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
12. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
13. A gentleman is a patient wolf.
14. A good pun is its own reword.
15. A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
16. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
17. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
18. A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
19. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
20. A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
21. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
22. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
23. A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
24. A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
25. “A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.” — Joseph Stalin
26. A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
27. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
28. A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
29. A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
30. A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
31. A witty saying proves nothing.
32. According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
33. Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
34. Adult: One old enough to know better.
35. After all is said and done, more is said than done.
36. Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
37. All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
38. All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
39. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
40. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
41. All work and no play, will make you a manager.
42. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
43. Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
44. An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
45. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
46. Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
47. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
48. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
49. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
50. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
51. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
52. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
53. Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
54. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
55. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
56. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
57. Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
58. Attitude determines your altitude.
59. Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
60. Bad spellers of the world untie!
61. Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
62. Batteries not included.
63. Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
64. Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
65. Be naughty – save santa the trip.
66. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
67. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
68. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
69. Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
70. Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
71. Best viewed on my computer.
72. Better late than really late.
73. Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
74. Biology grows on you.
75. Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
76. Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
77. Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
78. Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
79. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
80. Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
81. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
82. Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
83. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
84. Clones are people two.
85. Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
86. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
87. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
88. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
89. Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
90. Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
91. Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
92. Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
93. Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
94. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
95. Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.
96. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
97. Does the noise in my head bother you?
98. Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
99. Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
100. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
100 Funny and Meaningful oneliners
1. 43% of all statistics are worthless.