1. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).
I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping
my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
2. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Safeway.
3. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Broncos, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could
I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
4. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
5. My stigmata is acting up.
6. I can’t come in to work today because I will be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
7. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.
8. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
9. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
10. I prefer to remain an enigma.
11. My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
12. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
13. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
14. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
15. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
16. I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead!