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Funny one liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

5. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without… but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

8. You can’t buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books


Cool One Liners

If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a, better class of people.

Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if he can swim.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.

Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who, thinks he’s usually wrong.

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn’t have.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

Lots of Funny and Meaningful Oneliners

01. The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
02. The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
03. The only certain thing in life is death.
04 The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
05. The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
06. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
07. The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
08. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
09. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
10. The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
11. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
12. The revolution will not be televised.
13. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
14 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
15. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
16. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
17. The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
18. The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
19. The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
20. The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
21. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
22. The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
23. There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
24 There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
25. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
26. There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
27. There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
28. There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
29. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
30. There is no time like the pleasant.
31. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
32. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
33. They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.
34 They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
35. Think much, Speak little, Write less.
36. This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
37. This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
38. This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
39. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
40. Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
41. To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
42. To err is human, to arr is pirate.
43. To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
44. To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
45. To err is hunam.
46. To generalize is to be an idiot.
47. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
48. Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
49. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
50. Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
51. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
52. Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
53. Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
54. Too much of everything is just enough.
55. Tracers work both ways.
56. Trying is failing with honors.
57. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
58. Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about it’s friends.
59. Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
60. Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
61. Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
62. Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
63. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
64. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
65. Wasting time is an important part of living.
66. We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
67. We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
68. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
69. Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
70. Welcome what you can’t avoid.
71. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
72. What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
73. What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
74. Whatever happens, ignore it all.
75. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
76. When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
77. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
78. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
79. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
80. When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
81. When in doubt empty the magazine.
82. When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
83. When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
84. When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
85. When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
86. When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
87. When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
88. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
89. When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
90. When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
91. Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
92. While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
93. Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
94. Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
95. Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
96. Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
97. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
98. Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
99. With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
100. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.