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Hospital Jokes

Funny and Hilarious Doctor and Patient Jokes

Very Amusing and Funniest Doctor and Patient Jokes

  • Doctor:What Had Happend To You ?
    Patient :I am Going To Die In Ten Minutes.
    Doctor:Wait For Twenty Minutes I am Coming.
  • “Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?”
    “Try to resist the temptation but if you can’t, get me a new television”
  • Patient: Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
    Doctor: That is what I want to find out myself.
  • A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
    Doctor said: It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age.
    Patient: The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?
  • Man: “Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!”
    Doctor: “Why?”
    Man: “Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it.”
  • Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
    Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see your son.
  • Patient – Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
    Doctor – Next please!
  • An older woman went a doctor for the first time.
    She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.” While reading the doctor’s diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
    The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says “hello, how can I help you?”
    The woman asks; “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”  “Yes I did”, the doctor answered.
    She asks: “Class of 49?” “Yes I was”, was the answered. The woman was delighted, and said: “You were in my class!”
    The doctor responded: “What did you teach?”
  • Patient: Doctor, You Must Help Me.
    I Keep Losing My Temper With People.
    Doctor: Tell Me About Your Problem.
    Patient: I Just Did, You Stupid Idiot.
  • Father:”Thanks a lot doctor for saving my sons life.
    Doctor:”It’s God who has saved your life”.
    after sometime….
    Doctor:”My fee??”
    Father:”‘ll send it to God through money order”!!
  • Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
    Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
    Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
    Patient: “24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”
    Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday”.
  • Patient: What is the cost of plastic
    surgery?
    Doctor: It is near about 10,000$.
    Patient: Well, what if we arrange the
    plastic?
  • Patient-Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
    Doctor- Don’t talk rubbish!
  • Lady to the doctor over the phone.
    “Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it.”
    Doctor: Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress.”
    Lady: Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.
  • While visiting a friend who was in the hospital,I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what was the significance.
    “Nothing,”she said with a smile.”It,s just to keep the doctors away.”
  • The doctor to the lady patient: ‘You are very sick’
    The lady to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
    The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
  • Assistant: Doctor the invisible man has come for his check up.
    Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.
  • Doctor to patient: Why are you nervous?
    Patient: Because this is the first time I am going to have an operation.
    Doctor: Look at me, I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation.
  • Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
    Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
    Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
  • Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
    Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.
  • Nurse: Why are you sad today doctor?
    Doctor: The patient I operated today afternoon died.
    Nurse: Doctor, you didnt operate the patient today afternoon. You did a post mortem.
    Doctor: Then who was the guy on whom I did a post mortem today morning
  • Patient: Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine.
    The doctor was very much pleased.
    He asked : Did it really help you?
    Patient: It helped me wonderfully.
    Doctor: How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?
    Patient: I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir.
  • Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
    Rich man: Local ?? I would rather prefer an imported one.
  • Patient to friend: I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory.
    Friend: What did he do?
    Patient: He made me pay him in advance.
  • At Indian railway station an American doctor got heart attack after reading a book’s name..
    How to become a Doctor in 30 days? MRP Rs.20!!
  • Doctors son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success.
    Doctor father: Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.
  • Doctor: Do exercise daily for good health.
    Patient: Sir i play football, cricket, tennis daily.
    Doctor: how long do you play?
    Patient: until d battery in my mobile goes down!!
  • A man to doctor: Is there any medicine for long life..?
    Doctor: Get married..!!
    Man: Will it help ?
    Doctor: No, but it will avoid such thoughts!!
  • Patient : (to the doctor) : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
    Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
    Patient : How did you come to that conclusion?
    Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
  • A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
    The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
    The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! , When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
    The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”
  • A crazy patient went to the doctor and asked, ” If a toothless dog bites me what treatment you would do?”  Doctor- ” Nothing I would give you a needleless injection”
  • Patient: Doctor, My liver is paining a lot..
    Doctor: Do you drink ?
    Patient: Yes, but bring with Soda
  • Doctor: Why didn’t you stop the lizard when its going inside your nose ?
    Patient: First went some insect, i thought this is going to catch that insent
  • Doctor: Walk 10kms everyday and you will loose 10 kgs in one month
    after a month…
    Patient: Wow doctor, i lost 10 kgs in one month
    Doctor: Then when will you give my Fee ?
    Patient: After one month, now i am 300kms from there
  • Doctor: Your husband need some peace of mind, i have written some sleeping pills
    Wife: How frequently should i give them to my husband ??
    Doctor: No, No.. The pills are for You!!
  • Patient: I am not getting good sleep these days doctor
    Doctor : Have a soft bed, pleasant music in the background, dark blue light…
    Patient: But Doctor… I wonder my Boss may not provide these at my office

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