Don't Miss
Home / Jokes

Jokes

Funniest IT Jokes

  • Many of the Software Engineers do not try to Change a burned bulb! Why ??…. That’s a Hardware Problem
  • Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea.
    Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1! F1!”, but no one understood.
  • What would a Software Engineer is going say after seeing a beautiful woman?
    “Immediately start downloading it.”
  • Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
    Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
    Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
    AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
  • Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
  • At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology  like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.” Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”
  • Two geeks are talking over lunch. The first one says, “You wouldn’t believe what happened this morning. A girl rode up to me on her bike, took off all her clothes,   and said ‘Take whatever you want!’ … So I took the bike” The second guy says, “Good choice, her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
  • Funny facts about Google users: 50% of people use Google well as a search engine. The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected.
  • A customer comes into the computer store. I’m looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.” “Well,” replied      the clerk, “Have you tried Vista?”
  • The ‘ Corporate ‘ language !!

    ‘We will do it’
    means
    You will do it’

    ‘You have done a great job’
    means
    ‘More work to be given to you’

    ‘We are working on it’
    means
    ‘We have not yet started working on the same’

    ‘Tomorrow, first thing in the morning’
    means
    ‘Its not getting done…    At least not tomorrow !’.

    ‘After discussion we will decide – I am very open to views’
    means
    ‘I have already decided, I will tell you what to do’

    ‘There was a slight miscommunication’
    means
    ‘We had actually lied’

    ‘Lets call a meeting and discuss’
    means
    ‘I have no time now, will talk later’

    ‘We can always do it’
    means
    ‘We actually cannot do the same on time’

    ‘We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline’
    means
    ‘The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.’

    ‘We had slight differences of opinion’
    means
    ‘We had actually fought’

    ‘Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you’
    means
    ‘Anyway you have to find a way out , no help from me’

    ‘You should have told me earlier’
    means
    ‘Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!’

    ‘We need to find out the real reason’
    means
    ‘Well I will tell you where your fault is’

    ‘Well…. family is important, your leave is always  granted.
    Just ensure that the work is not affected’
    means
    ‘Well you know…’

    ‘We are a team’
    means
    ‘I am not the only one to be blamed’

    ‘That’s actually a good question’
    means
    ‘I don’t know anything about it’
    .
    .
    And finally

    ‘All the Best’
    means
    ‘You are in trouble’

  • Software Engineer says I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts… His friend asks “and do you have life?”.. Software Engineer replies… OMG, No! Could you send me a link?
  • New Year’s Resolutions for Internet Junkies…
    I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
    I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
    I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
    I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
    I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
    I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
    I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
    When I hear “Where do you want to go today?” I will not reply “MS Tech Support.”
    When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
    I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
    I will think of a password other than “password.”
    I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
    I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh…I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
    I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
  • Types of Women:
    HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.
    RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
    WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
    SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
    INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access.
    SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her.
    MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.
    CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster.
    E-MAIL Woman: From every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
    VIRUS Woman: Also known as “WIFE”; when you are not expecting her, she comes,installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose everything; if you don’t try to uninstall her you will be rendered useless… Either way, you lose.
  • My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.
  • Wikipedia: I know everything! Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody! Internet: Without me you are nothing! Electricity: Keep talking Stupids!
  • Customer Care Officer : I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in finding it out?
    Customer : Sure
    Customer Care Officer : Could u left click on start and do u find ‘My Computer’?
    Customer : I did left click but how the hell do I find Your computer?
  • Husband is a Software Professional!!
    Husband : Good evening dear, I am now logged in.
    Wife : Have you brought the ring?
    Husband : Bad command or File name.
    Wife : But I told in the mornin…….
    Husband : Erroneous Syntax, Abort?
    Wife : What about your salary?
    Husband : File in use.
    Wife : What about my new saree?
    Husband : Variable not found.
    Wife : At least give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping.
    Husband : Sharing Violation, Access Denied.
    Wife : Do you love me or do you only like computers or are you just being funny?
    Husband : Too many parameters.
    Wife : It was a great mistake that I married a stupid guy like you.
    Husband : Data type mismatch.
    Wife : You are a useless nut.
    Husband : It is by default.
    Wife : By the way who was in the car this morning ?
    Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot.
  • A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife : Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!! What happened, did you run out of toilet paper? No, restart the modem, please!
  • Tech Support   : “I need you to right-click on the Desktop.”
    Customer   : “Ok.”
    Tech Support   : “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
    Customer   : “No.”
    Tech Support   : “Ok. Right click again. Do you   see a pop-up menu?”
    Customer   : “No.”
    Tech Support   : “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what  you have done up until this point?”
    Customer   : “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’  and I wrote ‘click’.”
  • Johny Johny Yes Papa Private Company? Yes Papa Any Motivation No Papa Many Tension? Yes Papa Do you sleep Well ? No Papa Onsite Opportunity? No Papa Boss           Scolding? Yes Papa Increment ? Ha Ha Ha

Funny and Hilarious Doctor and Patient Jokes

Very Amusing and Funniest Doctor and Patient Jokes

  • Doctor:What Had Happend To You ?
    Patient :I am Going To Die In Ten Minutes.
    Doctor:Wait For Twenty Minutes I am Coming.
  • “Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?”
    “Try to resist the temptation but if you can’t, get me a new television”
  • Patient: Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
    Doctor: That is what I want to find out myself.
  • A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
    Doctor said: It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age.
    Patient: The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?
  • Man: “Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!”
    Doctor: “Why?”
    Man: “Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it.”
  • Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
    Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see your son.
  • Patient – Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
    Doctor – Next please!
  • An older woman went a doctor for the first time.
    She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.” While reading the doctor’s diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
    The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says “hello, how can I help you?”
    The woman asks; “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”  “Yes I did”, the doctor answered.
    She asks: “Class of 49?” “Yes I was”, was the answered. The woman was delighted, and said: “You were in my class!”
    The doctor responded: “What did you teach?”
  • Patient: Doctor, You Must Help Me.
    I Keep Losing My Temper With People.
    Doctor: Tell Me About Your Problem.
    Patient: I Just Did, You Stupid Idiot.
  • Father:”Thanks a lot doctor for saving my sons life.
    Doctor:”It’s God who has saved your life”.
    after sometime….
    Doctor:”My fee??”
    Father:”‘ll send it to God through money order”!!
  • Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
    Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
    Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
    Patient: “24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”
    Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday”.
  • Patient: What is the cost of plastic
    surgery?
    Doctor: It is near about 10,000$.
    Patient: Well, what if we arrange the
    plastic?
  • Patient-Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
    Doctor- Don’t talk rubbish!
  • Lady to the doctor over the phone.
    “Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it.”
    Doctor: Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress.”
    Lady: Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.
  • While visiting a friend who was in the hospital,I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what was the significance.
    “Nothing,”she said with a smile.”It,s just to keep the doctors away.”
  • The doctor to the lady patient: ‘You are very sick’
    The lady to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
    The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
  • Assistant: Doctor the invisible man has come for his check up.
    Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.
  • Doctor to patient: Why are you nervous?
    Patient: Because this is the first time I am going to have an operation.
    Doctor: Look at me, I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation.
  • Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
    Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
    Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
  • Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
    Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.
  • Nurse: Why are you sad today doctor?
    Doctor: The patient I operated today afternoon died.
    Nurse: Doctor, you didnt operate the patient today afternoon. You did a post mortem.
    Doctor: Then who was the guy on whom I did a post mortem today morning
  • Patient: Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine.
    The doctor was very much pleased.
    He asked : Did it really help you?
    Patient: It helped me wonderfully.
    Doctor: How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?
    Patient: I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir.
  • Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
    Rich man: Local ?? I would rather prefer an imported one.
  • Patient to friend: I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory.
    Friend: What did he do?
    Patient: He made me pay him in advance.
  • At Indian railway station an American doctor got heart attack after reading a book’s name..
    How to become a Doctor in 30 days? MRP Rs.20!!
  • Doctors son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success.
    Doctor father: Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.
  • Doctor: Do exercise daily for good health.
    Patient: Sir i play football, cricket, tennis daily.
    Doctor: how long do you play?
    Patient: until d battery in my mobile goes down!!
  • A man to doctor: Is there any medicine for long life..?
    Doctor: Get married..!!
    Man: Will it help ?
    Doctor: No, but it will avoid such thoughts!!
  • Patient : (to the doctor) : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
    Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
    Patient : How did you come to that conclusion?
    Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
  • A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
    The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
    The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! , When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
    The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”
  • A crazy patient went to the doctor and asked, ” If a toothless dog bites me what treatment you would do?”  Doctor- ” Nothing I would give you a needleless injection”
  • Patient: Doctor, My liver is paining a lot..
    Doctor: Do you drink ?
    Patient: Yes, but bring with Soda
  • Doctor: Why didn’t you stop the lizard when its going inside your nose ?
    Patient: First went some insect, i thought this is going to catch that insent
  • Doctor: Walk 10kms everyday and you will loose 10 kgs in one month
    after a month…
    Patient: Wow doctor, i lost 10 kgs in one month
    Doctor: Then when will you give my Fee ?
    Patient: After one month, now i am 300kms from there
  • Doctor: Your husband need some peace of mind, i have written some sleeping pills
    Wife: How frequently should i give them to my husband ??
    Doctor: No, No.. The pills are for You!!
  • Patient: I am not getting good sleep these days doctor
    Doctor : Have a soft bed, pleasant music in the background, dark blue light…
    Patient: But Doctor… I wonder my Boss may not provide these at my office

Have a Joke to Share ??? Please leave it as a Comment, We will Gladly Publish them!

Best of the Funniest Santa Banta Jokes

Santa asks conductor Should I Buy Tickets For My Children?
Conductor: Yes! Only If They Are Above 8.
Santa: Thank God ,I Have Only 6 Children..!!

History teacher asked Santa Name kalidas’s brother who was a shoemaker.
Santa: Adidas

Salesman-Which Soap U Use?
Santa-BABA’S Soap,BABA’S Paste,BABA’S Brush.
Salesman-Is BABA’S
An INTERNATIONAL Company?
Santa: Baba Is My Room Mate

Santa’s wife died. He is calm and silent. But some guy was crying like anything!
Santa asks someone, “Who is he ? Why he is crying like that”
“Your wife lover” that person replies
Then Santa went to that guy and tells “Don’t worry friend, I will marry again”.

Judge: Y U’ve robbed dis man?
Santa: My lord I’ve nt robbed. He gave by himself
Judge: Whn He gave U money ?
Santa: Whn I showd him gun

Santa Banta Watching Match and Dhoni hits a Six
Santa: Wow Goal
Banta: You will be an idiot for life, Cricket has goals not Football

Santa: What is the best place to propose girls ?
Banta: Temples
Santa: Why?
Banta: Because they will not be wearing chappals in temples!

Santa: I Got BMW for my marriage
Banta: Good, show it
Santa calls his wife
Banta: But it is your wife
Santa: Idiot, BMW Means Bahut Moti Wife

Santa: Why has the Govt. fixed voting age 18 yrs & marriage age 21yrs?
Banta: Govt knows that its easy to maintain a country than a Wife

Santa: Yaar ye “SENT MESSAGE” Kya hota he?
Banta: Pata nahin
Santa: Bevkuf, Tune Hi Sardaro Ka Nam Kharab Kia He. Sent Message Matlab “Khushbu Wala Message..

Santa deeply looking at an ice piece
Banta: What are you looking at?
Santa: I am checking from where it is Leaking!

Santa’s girfriend: My mom Likes you a loot
Santa, after a deep thought: Whatever i will marry You only

Salesman: Sir, would you like to buy powder for cockroaches
Santa: Noo noo.. We don’t love cockroaches that much, If we give powder today, they will ask snow tomoro !

Santa: I Cannot marry you
GF: Why
Santa: My family members are objecting
GF: which members
Santa: My wife and children

Santa:30 feet snake will be shown in tv today
Banta: Okay, but i cannot see it
Santa: Why:
Banta: My TV is of only 21 inches

Santa: Your Friend is Dead, why didn’t you go
Banta: That idiot didn’t invite me

Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.
Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.

Santa: My wife died yesterday.. Im trying to cry but tears are not come out, what to do?
Banta: No Problem. Just Imagine she Came Back.

Santa: Wat Is The Name Of Your Car?
Banta: I Forgot The Name,But Its Starts With ‘T’
Santa: Oh Wow, then you can save lot of my if it starts with Tea!

Judge: Your guilty is proved, so you will be hanged tomoro
Santa: Thats ok, but when will you get me down

Santa: Who is the most saddest person in the world
Banta: panipuri wala !
Santa: Why?
Banta: No matter whether a girl is married or unmarried they call him Bhaiyya (brother)

Santa: A man was fighting with a woman yesterday, i went to him and told “If you can fight with a man”
Banta: Then
Santa: When i got up, i was in a Hospital!

Santa was sad one day, Banta asked him why
Santa: I bought a laptop but its of no use now
Banta: Why
Santa: They asking me to Put Windows in it, but it is very small

A Hotel owner found Santa is cleaning the basin, he went to him and asked Sir why are you doing this
Santa: Oye, you only wrote here “Wash Basin”

Santa: Will you come to my marriage ?
Banta: I am not the kind of person, who will not stay with a friend when he is in deep trouble, I will definitely come

Santa gave a tight slap to Banta
Banta: Did you hit me Seriously or for Fun ?
Santa: Seriously
Banta: Then its ok, I don’t like someone making Fun at me

Santa travelling in a flight for the first time.
Immedialy when the first tyre went into air, he started beating Pilot and said “I was already scared, and you r doing stunts” ?

Once Santa went to Banta house and knocks the door
Banta: Who ?
Santa: Me
Banta: Me, Who?
Santa: You are Banta!!

One beautiful girl accidentaly touches Santa and says “I am Sorry”
Santa replies “Hello, I am Santa, Its very pleasant to meet you Miss Sorry”

Once Santa took a photo outside but a Donkey too came in that picture
While sending the photo to Banta, Santa quoted “I am on Left Side”

Santa’s son had an accident and doctor says, We have to remove both of his legs
Santa became very depress and collapges, Doctor asks him what happend ?
Santa says, Yesterday itself i bought him a Cycle and he wasted it!

One day Banta saw Santa eating Roti and feeding his hen too with roti.
Banta: Why are you doing that?
Santa: Doctor told me that its healthy to eat Roti with Chicken!

Santa: How was your History exam ?
Banta: Very Bad!
Santa: Why?
Banta: How would i know the answers of questions which happend before my Birth?

Teacher: Did you do your Home Work ?
Santa: No Teacher
Teacher: Why ?
Santa: Teacher, I stay in Hostel, how can i do Home work ?

Santa joined in a driving school
Banta: How are your classes, did you learn something
Santa: Oh Yeah, i can horn very well now a days!

Santa tells a girl “I Love you”
Girl: I will go and tell this to Principal
Santa: Idiot, he is already married

Santa gave a tight slap to Banta
Banta: Why did u hit me, what Mystake i did ?
Santa: Idiot, i don’t have time until you do a Mystake

Santa went into a graveyard in a night for cycling, Next day he said to Banta “Arre..What kind of road was that! Those many diffciult speed breakers”

Santa: Banta, don’t put mobile charging while sleeping at night?
Banta: y?
Santa: sometimes, battery may blast.
Banta: Yah. I know. That’s y I am removing battery from mobile while charging…

Santa’s one leg bone got broken, He went to a hospital and sees a person with both legs broken. Santa asks him “Do you have two wifes??”

In a hotel Santa started eating tissue paper on the plate.
Banta replied from a distance “Oye don’t eat, its tasteless”.

Santa and Banta stated a Petrol Pump, they waited for weeks but not even one customer came.
Why ? “Their petrol pump is in First floor”

Ek Raat ek Chor, ek Sardar k Ghar me Ghus gaya aur bola: SONA kaha hai?
Sardar: Ullu k patthe, pura Ghar khaali hai kahi bhi jaake SOJA

Santa one day had very short hair cut, Banta asked why?
Santa: That Barber was short of 5 rupees change, i told him Cut more for those 5 rupees!

Santa and Banta went to a picnic and found that they forgot Pepsi at home
Santa: Go and bring pepsi within an hour
Banta: If you promise me that you don’t eat Samosa then i go
Santa: Ok
Santa waited one hour, two hours, three and with hunger took a Samosa to eat in his hand
Banta jumped up from behind and said “I know what you are a cheater, thts why i didn’t go”

Santa: Why Sun do not come in the night ?
Banta: How do you know? It may be coming, but we cannot see in this night Darkness!

Junior Santa: Miss, did you call me last night?
Teacher: Noo why?
Junior Santa: In my mobile, it said Miss Call!

Teacher: How much is 2-2
Junior Santa: I couldn’t understand Sir
Teacher: If you have two rotis and if you eat two rotis, what will you have
Junior Santa: Curry Sir!

Santa: When i was a kid, once i fell down from Eiffel tower
Banta: Really? did you die or saved ?
Santa: Idiot, how would i know, i was only a kid then!

Santa: I checked yesterday that i don’t have any iron in my Body
Banta: How did you check?
Santa: I checked with a Magnet, it was not sticking to me

One day Santa was trying to insert a Dog’s tail into a pipe
Banta:Idiot, However you try, you can’t make a dog’s tail straight
Santa: I know that, but i am trying to bend the pipe!!

Santa: Do you know ? I was stuck in an Elevator for 10 mins due to power failure
Banta: You are soo lucky! I was stuck on an Escalator for 30 mins due to power failure !!!

Santa bought a Shampoo bottle and asked the sales man for free gift
Salesman: There is no gift for this
Santa: Don’t cheat me, its written here “Dandruf Free”

Santa: If i climb this tree, can i see Engineering college girls ??
Banta: Definitely, if you jump from there you can also see Medical college girls !!

Santa: My Wife ran away with my friend
Banta: Then you must be very depressed
Santa: Yesss, I am missing my Friend a Looot!!

Santa: Which is the biggest Challenge you ever gave to someone ?
Banta: I left the answer sheet blank and challenged validator “Pass me if you can”!!

Santa: I forgot my purse at home, i need 1000 rupees urgently
Banta: I can understand your problem, take this 10 rupees go and get your purse!!

Santa: So you learned MS Office, What do you want do do now ??
Banta: Now i learn MS Home !!!

Santa: Last night thieves stole everything in my house except TV
Banta: How Strange! Then wht were you doing ??
Santa: I was watching TV !!

Santa: Arre Yaar, it took me 4 hours for me to return from my uncles home
Banta: Why? You went there just in One hour
Santa: Yeah, but my car has only one Reverse Gear !!

Santa: Someone was irritating me by sending dirty messages
Banta: What did you do ?
Santa: I changed my number and sent him message “Now you cant send me message”

Santa: I lost my purse yesterday, there was 2000 rupees in it
Banta: Don’t lie there was only 1000, i counted when i went home !
Santa: Its not about the money, Find that person !!

Santa send msg to Banta “I am Sick, Not feeling well”
Banta replied “When i am Sick, I Kiss my wife, you too try”
after a while Santa replied “Thanks for Suggestion, Your wife is sooo Sweeet” !!!

Santa: Today is my GF’s birthday, what should i give her ??
Banta: How does she look ?
Santa: Very Beautiful
Banta: Then give her my number !!!

Santa and Banta lost their wives in a festival and met at one point
Santa: How does your wife look?
Banta: Very beautiful, tall, slim and perfect size
Santa: Then lets go and search for your wife !!!

Sad Santa: Today i failed to write an essay on dog
Banta: why?
Santa: I tried a loot, but the dog Ran away !!